Some of these (in various forms) has been doing the rounds for years.
If you have any of your own, please send them in.
 

Things you never hear a senior officer say:
"And this bank holiday we're going to have maximum cover."
"Actually, we've under spent this year."
"You want which day off? Relax, take the whole week."
"Look, I know you're understaffed today, let me take a car out on patrol."
"I'm on my way to a sudden death assignment, right now."
"We're not interested in statistics, just the welfare of our officers."
"You know, these new management techniques are a complete waste of time."
"Can I get you a cup of tea?"

Things you never hear a CID officer say:
"Of course I'll interview your prisoner."
"That seems like a complex case, I'm sure you're too busy, let me deal with it."
"I'll go first."
"I'll cancel my grub break and help you out with that case."
"Can I help you with any of that paper work?"
"No really, we've nothing on at the moment. Leave it for us to deal with."
"There's obviously a pattern emerging here. We'll do some observations for you."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"We'll be in a 5am tomorrow."
"I'm late shift this Saturday, if you need me I'll be in the office."
"Do you want some CID cover on night shift?"
"Actually drinking interferes with my fitness regime."

Things you never hear a uniformed officer say:
"We've arrested the man who stole your car."
"No, no, I'm sure that's our area, we'll go."
"I know just where I left the cones and signs. I'll collect them before the end of my tour of duty."
"There's no need to put petrol in the car, I've already topped it up."
"Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, I think I'll come in today."
"That sounds like an interesting assignment, I'll go."
"Actually, I love patrolling with a special, they're a valuable part of the service."
"I find the cold so invigorating, I think I'll park up and do some foot patrol."
"Would you like me to go to that domestic?"
"You're right, it is a police matter."
"My reports were submitted ages before they were due."
"The thought of getting out of this job early on a medical pension leaves me cold."
"No, seriously, I'm very interested in the very personal, detailed and extensive history of the domestic circumstances leading up to this incident."

Things you never hear a dog handler say:
"It's all right, he won't bite."
"No really, the conditions are perfect."
"No not at all, we love tracking in the rain."
"Actually I'm just round the corner, I'll be there in a minute."
"It seems he walked away from the scene of the crime, no suggestion of a vehicle at all."
"Nobody's training at all so there's loads of us on duty."

Things you never hear a Scenes of Crime Officer say:
"I can tell you from the fibres, fingerprints and footprint that I've found, who definitely did this."
"There's so many prints I don't know which ones to examine first."
"The conditions are absolutely ideal for evidence gathering."
"Yeah, leave it in the office, we'll bag it up when we get back."
"I was really impressed with the standard of your exhibit labelling and packaging."
"It will be a pleasure to take your samples to the lab."
"Actually, we're very quiet today, we'll be at your burglary in a few minutes."
"Tell you what, as there are two of us we'll take a vehicle each to maximise the number of assignments we can deal with."
"We'll have the results back for you this afternoon."

Things you never hear a controller/dispatcher say:
"It's okay, I told them it wasn't a police matter."
"No need to attend, I've advised them over the phone."
"I've anticipated you and already looked it up/made the enquiry/found out/contacted the person, etc., etc., etc."
"Sorry, no long list of jobs for you today."
"I've typed up the result of the job exactly as you told me."

Things you never hear a Crown prosecutor say:
"You're quite right."
"We can't hold the case on that day as you are on annual leave."
"Actually we feel the charge is too minor, we're going to charge a more serious offence."
"We've asked the court to do the not guilty pleas first so the witnesses don't have to wait around too long."
"You were right, we shouldn't have dropped that case."
"The victims' views are paramount here."
"There are ten police witnesses in this case, realistically we only need one of them at court."
"We've successfully applied for compensation for you."

And last but not lest, things you never hear a traffic officer say:
"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do than book you."
"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
"Excuse me, we're very busy with this accident, would you mind, if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
"I like to park the car and get out every once in a while."
"I'm just too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car, or back at the Garage on night duty."

You Might Be a Copper if... 

You have the bladder capacity of five people.
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
You believe that 75% of people are a waste of space.
Your idea of good timing is an armed robbery at shift change.
You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
You find humour in other peoples stupidity.
You have your weekends off planned for a year.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says " God its Quiet today". 
Whenever you phone someone, you ask them 'Are you free to speak?'
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a Computer can track.
You're the only sober person in the kebab house.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
Having alcohol at 7am seems perfectly normal.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right the first time".
You believe "Too stupid to Live" should be a valid court outcome.
When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group.
You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
Your prisoner states "I have no idea how I got here" - and neither have you. 
You end normal conversations with loved ones with Roger or Acknowledged.
You walk down the street looking at people as potential criminal intelligence submissions
You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing
You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damn good kicking.
Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion. 

You are the only person you know who ever uses the word 'liaise'.
Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands held together behind your back.
At least once every working day you use the phrase, "The job's f*cked!"
You regularly say, "With all due respect, Sir" but mean nothing of the sort.
You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis, decomposition and stale body odour.
You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.
You nodded and laughed at all of the above, and realised what a sick bunch we all are.
 

Are you an old sweat? (If you can tick more than half of these then the answer is 'yes'). 

You used to drive dark blue marked Police cars
You used to cover school crossing patrols
It was easy to find someone's former trade or calling
You know what an CRO number was
You only had one letter on your shoulder
Your trousers had a truncheon pocket
You had to salute Inspectors and above
The station van had a bell instead of two tones
You used to send the dog return at midnight
You had to check the 940 every day
You used to perform reserve duties
You remember three page HO/RT1 pads
You know what a Storno is
You have dealt with a recidivist
You had a tunic with a belt
You knew where extension 40 was
You know what a seek and search is
The front office was staffed by a Station Sergeant
Night duty lasted seven nights followed by a late turn
You got paid every four weeks rather than monthly
You know what M2MP means
You used to get expenses paid to you in cash in a brown envelope on a Thursday
You walked for entire night duties over the whole seven days
You were not allowed to sit at the drivers' table in the canteen
You remember #1 and #2 on the main set being linked at midnight
You know what the PAS book was
You had to parade before a tour of duty and show your appointments
You know what two blue lights on a Rover SD1 denoted
You went to Magistrates Court off night duty for breaches of the peace
You attended a two-day RT Operator's Course before being allowed to operate on the Area Car
You know what a 110 is
You knew that sector policing was going to fail
You remember Inspectors wearing blazers with two stars on the lapel
You used to complete the log book (in its wooden folder) for every call on the Area Car
You did two quick changeovers in every four week rota
You knew how to take the fuse out of the Police sign on Pandas
You know what a binder winder is
You had to ensure you had three IRBs, three Process Books and two ARBs
You remember when CAD was a word used only by Terry Thomas to describe his adversaries.
You know what 99 means when it's broadcast on the PR
You remember when 'The Centre' was called CO
Your shirts have more service than your colleagues
 

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following situation:
 

THE SCENARIO
 

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?'


UK Police Officer's Answer:

1.  Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
    

2. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
    

3. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
    

4. Could we run away?
    

5. Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
    

6. What does the law say about this situation?
    

7. Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
    

8. Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
    

9. Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
    

10. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
     

11. Should I call for backup and ask the Sarge when he gets here?
     

12. Why is this street so deserted?
     

13. We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?
     

14. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
     

15. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
     

16. If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

Australian Officer's Answer:
 

1. BANG!

American Officer's Answer:

1. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
   
   Click.....(sounds of reloading)  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!
   
   Click.
   
   Daughter: “Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''